Envy

Hello friend.

Once again, your envy has taken the crown.

False attitude, a false fact, and constant conversation. You consistently pretend it’s my side you have taken, but really my side is the side you have forsaken.

Your jealousy beat all the good you contain, you slither, you shake, with the sound of my voice you quake. All that pain, all that struggle turned you into a snake.

Have you never considered the results of your actions?

I refuse to get even, get back, be vengeful.

I’ll resist all the anger.

Won’t fight your fury with my fire.

No karma will reach you at the hand of my wrist.

My distance and his karma will catch you as you create your dish.

Your dish filled with blackness, your dish filled with nothingness.

Despite your history, remember you are responsible for your madness.

Expectations

Expectations.

They expect me to be blissful.

They call me the happy girl, pretty girl, everybody loves me girl.

They call me sing song girl, I look up to her girl, everyone’s best friend girl.

Avoiding the darkness that I actually am, too scared to face the reality that sits in me.

I am not the flowers, the light the sun emits.

I am not the school girl, I am not the girl who makes you happy, he happy, she happy, mom happy, dad happy.

I am not a word, I am not a sound, I am not a stereotype.

Not a number, not a color, not a size, not a feeling.

I am not to be characterized, not to be made simple, simply because you cannot and do not try to understand the being that I am.

For today I will wake up me, and tomorrow I will wake up somebody else.

Expectations and dreams you all dream for me are not the dreams I dream for myself.

I scream out every single day begging and pleading for someone to hear me and nobody ever does.

It is not self pity, it is not a cry for help.

It is only a need, a need for someone to see me for who I really am.

Someone, anybody, a friend a lover who does not attempt to characterize me, put me into a box.

I won’t fit in one box, I will fit in many.

I am not a butterfly, I am not a rainbow.

My name is Courtney.

My name is Jasmine.

My name is Lonely.

My name is Happy.

My name is Somber.

My name is Frightened.

My name is Dreamy.

My name is Expectation.